IT’S BAAAAAACK. For a limited time only get your hands on this free, FREE edition of The [Five] Daily’s famous NFL Popularity Contest written by the (in)famous Jurassic Paque!
That’s kind of a joke. The ‘limited time only’ part at least. I mean, if I had my druthers, I’d churn out one of these columns every week like a professional. But that would really cut into the time I usually reserve for managing my Fantasy team and staring at myself in the mirror.
So. Since there apparently IS going to be an NFL season this year (I just got a text from my editor Nick, saying that the lockout ended and there have been like, three weeks of preseason already so I better get this column out, and I’m all like, ‘What the hell? How was I supposed to know that? I didn’t see anything about it on The [Five] Daily, ESPN or NFL.com.’ Anyway.) it seems like people deserve a Popularity Contest. You know.
So you know who’s good and stuff. Or at least popular. Hence the title Jurassic Paque’s 2011 Popu…you get the picture.
To start this season off I’m working in a special Week 1 wrinkle. Each team is getting coupled with a song or two. It’s gonna be great. Trust me. Unless you hate music I guess. Or you’re deaf. If you hate music…just ignore the songs and focus on my stellar analysis. If you’re deaf, most of the songs will be coupled with videos, so those will be fun for you.
And…if you’re blind and deaf, but you know how to read braille and someone transcribed this article into braille for you to read…then I wanna meet you. Because that’s freaking incredible.
2011 Week 1 Popularity Contest: Teams 32-23
32. Cincinnati Bengals – This is Cedric Benson’s number. And this is where they belong.
Eminem – Just Lose It
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9dcVOmEQzKA
31. Carolina Panthers – The Carolina Panthers are at the height of desperation. They’ve had to draft QBs in early rounds two years in a row. Jimmy Claussen got a chance to play last year, but he was behind a terrible o-line on a team that was phoning it in by Week 7. This year Cam Newton has the baton. And even though nothing – I repeat, nothing – about his pre-season suggested he should be a starting QB in the NFL, the Panthers franchise has to get behind him and go, ‘Yeah! Yes! CAM NEWTON! The face of the future! Panther’s fans ARE YOU READY!?!? FOR THE FUTURE!?!?!’ BS. That’s what I say. Best case scenario is a season similar to Colt McCoy in 2010.
For all you Dillion Panther Fans:
Explosions in the Sky – Your Hand In Mine
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SCqSYDBO6cY
30. Oakland Raiders – Loves me some Jason Cambell. That was sarcasm. I didn’t even spell his name right. On purpose. I saw a stat the other day that Cambell’s career numbers are all, all, within a hair’s breadth of the league average. That means that his entire career, he’s been average. He’s been the 16th best QB. For years. And the Raiders are OK with that?
Do they know that the 16th best team doesn’t get into the playoffs? Who am I kidding. Al Davis ‘runs the organization’ which means that whatever technology company invented the robot that walks around in Al Davi’s decaying flesh is making the personnel decisions and they are not particularly well informed.
This is Steve Nash getting a lap dance from Nicki Minaj. In Oakland.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SwfSwsOzZtM
29. San Francisco 49ers – Golden plated. If that. The 49ers are bringing back pretty much the same crew that totally underachieved last year. Yes, there have been coaching changes. Will that make Alex Smith not a liability? Seriously, they couldn’t have gotten a Ryan Mallet? Or Jake Locker? Or… I don’t know, Donovan McNabb? No? Whatever.
Fall Out Boy – Golden
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sFiX6hJYhOo
28. Minnesota Vikings – 4-12. This is music to my ears.
Brett Favre – NFC Championship Interception
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0UUeqvquXZI&feature=related
27. Buffalo Bills – Ryan Fitzpatrick is going to have a monster year. You heard it here first. I’ve got no idea what the rest of the team is going to do. Or really even who else plays for them. Are they going to win football games? No. I don’t think so. Not more than seven.
Kanye West – Monster
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ona42jz8w0k
26. Seattle Seahawks – This team can’t be good this year. If Tavaris Jackson makes the Pro Bowl, I’ll write an entire column about how much I hate myself and I’ll include apologies to ex-girlfriends.
Owl City – Hello Seattle
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_VlK2BOhmvU
And…
Incubus – Annamolly
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5eVcp6Xl6NM
25. Miami Dolphins – The Dolphins have to figure out how to finish games. They weren’t atrocious last year, but they definitely weren’t good. Saying ‘I’m concerned’ about Chad Henne and Reggie Bush being the face of your offense, would be an understatement.
TLC – Don’t Go Chasing Waterfalls
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8WEtxJ4-sh4
24. Washington Redskins – I don’t trust anyone on this team. Not the players in key positions and not the coaches. Not the ownership. Maybe the fans.
A little T – Rex for Rex G.
T – Rex – Rock On
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8cDc3-xl0Rg&feature=related
23. Denver Broncos – What to do when you’ve got one good quarterback and one really popular one. Man…I don’t know…Wait. Play the good one! WIN SOME GAMES!!! Yes. That’s all caps and four exclamation points. Jurassic Paque = Not on the Tebow bandwagon.
Buddy Guy – Mustang Sally (this video…is little time capsule of bizarrity)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3TYWYDqr-TA
Leave a Reply