Each week we breakdown the NFL’s most popular teams using advanced saber-metrics and cold hard facts. We also take into account important elements like: Is your team cool? Would I want to party with your team? If I partied with your team, would I get hooked up or would I have to buy my own drinks? These reasons and more help determine the Nickelblock’s infamous NFL week by week popularity contest.
1. New Orleans Saints – They won the Super Bowl last year. They’re obvious favorites for a repeat.
Nick: ‘Have you ever heard of a Super Bowl hangover?’
Jurassic: ‘Does Drew Brees have a drinking problem?’
Nick: ‘Umm…no it’s when-’
Jurassic: ‘They’ll be fine. I’ve played football drunk before. I think it actually helps me loosen up.’
Nick: (Stares. Blinks once. Twice. Walks away.)
2. Indianapolis Colts – They lost the Super Bowl last year. Same logic. Is Peyton Manning still behind center? Are Peter Waiter (Pierre Garcon) and City in Texas Breed of Dog (Austin Collie) still catching passes? This year’s Colts team can’t have more unknowns on their roster than last year. And last year they got to the Super Bowl.
3. Baltimore Ravens – Flacco’s going to have a break out year and the Ravens upgrades at WR suggest their offense will be significantly more airborne. (As an aside, have you noticed that Joe Flacco’s face has slowly looked less and less goofy? Check this out and look at the top client in the Sports category in the bottom right corner: http://www.facesbyterri.com/clients.html. I’m not sayin’…I’m just sayin’.)
4. Green Bay Packers – Elite offense. Superstar quarterback in the making (Aaron Rodgers). Last year’s top overall defense entering the 2nd year after a transition to the 3-4. Things are looking good for the Pack. Oh, did I mention Jermichael Finley? 12 TDs this year. You heard it here first.
5. Minnesota Vikings – Regardless of where you lie on the Brett Favre Love-Hate-O-meter, this team was one play away from the Super Bowl last year. The loss of Sidney Rice is significant, but the resurgence of Javon Walker will undoubtedly fill that void. What? Walker was cut already? Oh…bwahahahahaha!
6. San Diego Chargers – Which half of the Philip Rivers/Vincent Jackson pairing would you keep if you could only have one? How about the half without the multiple arrest record? SD is free of LT. Ryan Matthews looks pretty good. Philip Rivers and Co. are going to prove that the only fluke last year was their loss to the Jets in the playoffs.
7. Dallas Cowboys – Jurassic Paque remains un-impressed with this Dallas Cowboys team. So much so that it’s forced him to write in the third-person. Last year they had several disconcerting games where the ‘Boys struggled to score; a Nov. 15 loss at Green Bay where they only mustered 7 points, a Nov. 22nd win where they CRUSHED the Redskins 7-6 (what a barn-burner) and of course the infamous loss on Jan. 17th to the Vikings where the ‘Boys only knocked in a field goal and lost by 31 points. Their mercurial offense continued its struggles in the pre-season (the ‘pre’ stands for ‘pretend.’)
8. New England Patriots – This team won their division last year. Remember? New receiving options for Brady who goes into Eff-You Mode (a Bill Simmons-ism) as he finally feels confident after a full year back from his knee injury. The running game might not feature any Fantasy studs, but added depth will help keep opposing defenses honest.
9. New York Jets – Now that Shutdown Island (it’s a Shutter Island joke. Get it?) is back on the field the Jets can begin putting their money where their mouth is. The combo of Shonn Greene and LT in the backfield will be a formidable pairing until about week 8 when LT gets tired or injured. I believe whole-heartedly that Mark Sanchez has fine-tuned his hand-off skills this summer and will have one of the best QB hand-off ratios in the league.
10. Atlanta Falcons – Turner returns from embarrassment. Matt Ryan gets over the sophomore slump. Roddy White gets elected president of Haiti even though he isn’t Haitian.
11. Miami Dolphins – Two words: Chad Henne. Two more: Brandon Marshall. You watch. YOU WATCH!
12. Cincinnati Bengals – Wanna know why the Bengals are gonna have a good year? Because they are frightening. This is like the Jail Blazers of the NBA. You could seriously have a starting 5 of legit crazies: Chad Johnson (I refuse to acknowledge names that have been changed into misspelled numbers in a foreign language), T.O., Tank Johnson, Adam Jones and Cedric Benson. If you mess with them, they may very well hurt someone you know…or pay someone to hurt them…
Side note: Remember when nicknames were cool and made sense? Why do we have to just abbreviate names now into things like A-Rod and D-Wade? How come it can’t be Adam “Multiple Arrest” Jones! Or Ben “Alleged Sexual Assault But No Conviction” Roethlisberger! Or Santonio “Might Have Hit His Wife or Girlfriend” Holmes!
13. Houston Texans – Matt Schaub (+++) ————-> Andre Johnson. Those plus signs inside the parentheses are a football. End of story. Oh yeah, and despite the name “Arian,” there’s a chance with Arian Foster the Texans have a legit running game. Repeat, chance.
14. Tennessee Titans – Chris Johnson runs for 3500 yards and passes for 1200. You heard it here first. Just kidding. At the rate Vince Young is improving as a pocket passer, when he’s in the “Brett Favre as a Minnesota Viking” phase of his career, he is gonna be SOLID!
15. San Francisco 49ers – The only thing preventing me from putting them higher is my complete and utter lack of faith in Alex Smith and his capacity to win, lead or be consistent. Other than that, they’re golden. (Don’t hate me.)
16. Washington Redskins – With a proven quarterback taking the reins, we’ll finally see what Washington is really capable of. The Haynesworth Embarrassment is still on the books for them, which is too bad. Is it too much to suggest he be taken out back like Old Yeller?
17. New York Football Giants – Frankly I wouldn’t trust Eli Manning to lead me on a tour through the locker room let alone my team to a Super Bowl, but hey, how many of us could have placed that pass perfectly on David Tyree’s helmet? That’s what I thought.
18. Carolina Panthers – Matt Moore is not a bad quarterback. DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart are good running backs. Run defense? Well…nobody’s perfect.
19. Philadelphia Eagles – Kevin Kolb is going to have a season slightly less impressive than Aaron Rodgers first season as a full starter for Green Bay in 2008. That won’t be enough for a playoff berth, but hopefully he’ll show enough promise to prevent getting drawn and quartered by the Philly fans. Hopefully…(we’re pulling for you Kev-Ko.)
20. Arizona Cardinals – I actually think Derek Anderson will do ok. Larry Fitzgerald is too much of a gamer to phone in a season and between Beanie Wells and Tim Hightower, someone is going to run the ball effectively. Their porous defense will continue to pose a problem late in games, forcing Anderson to play from behind, which is not his forte. If you were wondering what his forte is, it’s winning games with these stats:
10/11/09: Cleveland 6 – Buffalo 3
Derek Anderson: Att/Comp: 2/17, Yds: 23, Avg. 1.4, TDs: 0, Ints: 1, QB Rating: 15.1.
21. Pittsburgh Steelers – Go to the :58 mark: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mFWc33WtHeE. When Em is throwing your QB under the bus for sexual assault…you’re not going the playoffs.
22. Chicago Bears – Jay Cutler isn’t worried so neither am I. Here’s my formula to beat the Bears:
Coach Jurassic: “Our game plan against the Bears is simple. We’ll blitz occasionally, but never send too many guys in there – just a little something to rattle Jay. We’ll drop into coverage and then Jay will throw the ball to our D-backs. We’ll intercept his errant passes and convert those turnovers into points. Any questions?”
23. Oakland Raiders – Between you and me, I kinda wanna see what Bruce Gradkowski could do as a starter. No joke.
24. Denver Tebows Broncos – The “Wild Horse?” Are you f*cking kidding me? Here’s a good barometer for this team; Kyle Orton might be their best player at a skill position.
25. Detroit Lions – These guys are gonna make things interesting for teams this year. Suh, hitherto known as “The Head Hunter” (complete with theme song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JcjkA5ZAWQo) may rack up a number of fines this year, but to go along with those fines he’ll also have a mantle full of DECAPITATED SKULLS!!!!! In other news, Stafford still needs primetime reps, but for the first time in what feels like forever, this team seems to be getting…dare we say it…better?
26. Jacksonville Jaguars – MJD…That’s all I got.
27. Cleveland Browns – Dawning of the Holmgren Era. Morale improves. Cribbs continues to shine. Delhomme will actually have a decent year; he’s exorcised his Carolina demons. He no longer has to deal with the stress and guilt of knowing he single handedly de-railed the Panthers two years ago in the playoffs.
28. Kansas City Chiefs – Is Vincent Cassel, Matt Cassel’s dad? http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vincent_Cassel & http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Matt_Cassel.
It’s not impossible…
29. St. Louis Rams – Rush Limbaugh DIDN’T get approved to buy them! I’d play my ass off for anyone not named Rush Limbaugh. In fact I’d go so far to use it as a motivational tool: “Lower your pads Jackson! Never forget, you don’t have to play for Limbaugh!” It would work. Trust me.
30. Buffalo Bills – I defer to the producer of ESPN’s The BS Report, Joe Mead on this one: Aim for 0-16, draft Jake Locker. Spiller will have this year to develop and hone his abilities. Next year we’ll talk about winning games. All in favor?
31. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – I keep asking the same question and no one has ever clarified this; why is Hasheem Thabeet coaching an NFL team? He spent one year in the NBA in which he underperformed and got his jaw busted. How do we hand this person a head coaching position? Dire straits I tell you. Hopefully Hasheem’s off-season work will help him in one of the leagues: http://plixi.com/p/42443364.
32. Seattle Seahawks – Corpse at QB. Potential cheater/generally untrustworthy guy as Head Coach. Atrocious D. A suspect running game. No exciting skill position players. And the big offseason pick-up was an unproven back up QB: http://www.nfl.com/players/charliewhitehurst/profile?id=WHI646241. He’s taken two snaps of real-time ball and that was in 2006. I think Pete Carroll’s about to remember why the NFL is so tough. In the NFL, all the players are getting paid.
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