Title nein

What a bunch of hogwash. Its horse manure. A ridiculous notion, really. It’s like drinking from the Willamette River or base-jumping off a knoll. It doesn’t make sense, it doesn’t benefit anyone and the outcome isn’t interesting to watch.

America doesn’t want to see female athletes. Real fans want to see men in battle. To quote former Steelers wide receiver Gregg Lloyd — out of context, “We’re more aggressive, more mobile and more smarter.”

Nobody in America likes Jackie Joyner-Kersey, Venus and Serena Williams, Peekaboo Street, Kerri Walsh and Sheryl Swoops. And the 30 years of domination by Mildred Didrickson was exceptionally despicable. She is the proprietor of the term female athlete and the reason there is a Title IX

Title IX — what a disgrace. It’s ridiculous. For the past 35 years, Title IX has made it possible for women to compete in sports, equally. Made it possible for women to have equal treatment. Equal! Shame on Title IX. It has forced America to suffer through athletes like Gale Devers, Kerri Strug, Jennie Finch and Lisa Leslie.

Equality? More like absurdity. Title IX is the reason Men’s programs are disappearing all over the nation. Title IX is the reason schools have more women’s sports than men’s. Backward discrimination against males. Some even say Title IX is responsible for the Saturday Night Massacre and gonorrhea. Imagine where this country could be without Dot Richardson, Michelle Akers, and that no good Pat Summit.

Can you imagine what that place would look like? It’s called Lebanon and thankfully in the good ole U.S.A. there are people smart enough to understand the necessity for not just the word female athlete, but the reason the word means so much.

While some people scream that Title IX is stifling collegiate athletics, its not. The same argument comes up every day. It’s unfair to men. Even here, now, before readers finish this column someone — most likely male — has started a sentence with “Title IX is wrong because…” followed by a list of reasons that are inaccurate. Go ahead ask your neighbor what they think.

Those people should step out of their shoes and take a hike in a pair of women’s basketball shoes — size seven. It’s not strictly about playing a collegiate sport, making money for a university or earning a scholarship. It’s about equality. It’s about helping women to benefit from a healthy lifestyle, giving women the opportunity to succeed and supplying a platform for female students to have a chance to earn an education by way of playing a sport. Just like their male counterparts.

Title IX of the Education Amendments states, “No person in the United States shall, on the basis of sex, be excluded from participation in, be denied the benefits of, or be subject to discrimination under any programs or activity receiving federal financial assistance.”

Translation: Chicks don’t just dig the long ball; they have equal access to hit one too. And they do, go ask Cambria Miranda.

Of course without Title IX, Miranda wouldn’t be playing softball at Oregon State. Neither would her teammates Dani Chisholm and Stef Ewing. Maybe without Title IX Mercedes Fox-Griffin never dribbles a basketball and Ashley Evans never spikes a volleyball. Without Title IX perhaps Noelle Harer never buys a pair of running shoes and Keegan Fitzgerald never swings from a bar.

Conceivably without Title IX the current female student athletes would have never turned success in the classroom and on the field into a college education. Never have classes in biology, business marketing or sociology. Never get degrees, enter a career field or retire successfully.

So if it’s true that some men’s sports suffer, so be it. Maybe they cut your sport, male cross country runner, or your sport, male gymnast. But if a few sports being cut will help thousands of women can get an education while playing a sport of their choice, men should learn to cope.

Or in the words of J.P. Losman, Quarterback for the Buffalo Bills, “You have to understand the situation you’re in, take your man pills and swallow them. It’s going to be tough to swallow, but that’s what you have to do.”

Need a glass of water?