The late Jim Murray once paid homage to Jimmy Cannon by writing his own version of Cannon’s “Nobody asked me but…” column, back in 1992. Murray claimed he was no Jimmy Cannon but wanted to pay his respects. And I’ll scream that I’m even in the same universe as Jim Murray, but I too, think that this must live on, somewhere.
Accordingly, I’m going to resurrect this great gimmick, in honor of both Cannon and Murray. Murray, still today, is better than anyone I’ve ever read.
So, nobody asked me, really, but…
1. Mike Parker calls a baseball game like Monet used a brush.
2. “Crank dat” was made so that football players would have something to do in the endzone.
3. Daylight Saving Time is ridiculous. As is walking home my 4’clock class in the dark.
4. I might owe my future career to Taras Liskevych.
5. Girls that wear Ugg boots, jeans and huge sunglasses at games look ridiculous. I don’t care if is trendy.
6. To the guy who was wearing a shirt that says, “Gay people are retarded” on campus… that says a lot about your IQ.
7. Changing the campus to Pepsi was a terrible idea.
8. Fans in jumpsuits look awkward. The only time it is okay to wear a jumpsuit is in prison or to a Raider game — which is pretty much the same thing.
9. Lyle Moevao is a better choice at quarterback. Call me crazy but his arrival coupled with outscoring an opponent by 35 is no coincidence. Even if he didn’t do all the work.
10. If it weren’t for June, July and August, December in Oregon would make me move away tomorrow.
11. The food in Gill is more expensive than taking a sorority girl out on a date.
12. The Titanic is a great metaphor for the blackout event. You fill in the blanks.
13. Benny the Beaver was way better three years ago.
14. The Civil War football game with no fog and rain is like Malibu without sunshine and attractive women or the Packers without Brett Favre.
15. Gill Coliseum is not legendary. Not even close. But the people who have walked its halls, are.
16. Have you ever noticed that Beaver players in the NFL are always popular one year after each other? First it was Nick Barnett, then Stephen Jackson, then Derek Anderson. My money is on Mike Hass next. And Brandon Hughes after that.
17. Girls who sit directly behind the redshirts at Reser are jersey chasers. No debate.
18. I think that LaVonda Wagner could beat the hell out of me. And you. And our friends. All at once.
19. I’d say that 75 percent of people in Reser don’t understand the complexities of a football game and that is what is wrong with Corvallis on Saturdays.
20. Athletes that try and rap rarely succeed.
21. To that note, if someone would have told me three years ago that “O-State Ballers” would be playing on ESPN I would have laughed in their face. And I probably did and don’t remember it.
22. Sports are beautiful and people who don’t like sports should stop complaining. We don’t like Dungeons and Dragons, but you don’t hear us talking about it. Ever.
23. Jay John isn’t right for Oregon State. I can’t put my finger on it, but he just doesn’t belong.
24. Fraternity teams in Intramural sports leagues complain the most. It’s annoying guy. Just shut up.
25. Oregon State wrestler, Travis Gardener, is a guy I wouldn’t want to meet in a dark alley but would like to meet in a bar fight – on my side.
26. I liked watching Matt Moore play but I don’t think I’d like Matt Moore. Plus, I know he didn’t like me. I feel like Kyle DeVan is in that boat, too.
27. Tailgating before Beaver games should be mandatory. People who just show up to games don’t know how to cheer correctly.
28. The idea for “Title Defended” is the worst slogan anyone could have come up with for the Beaver baseball back-to-back national championships.
29. I don’t think Mercedes Fox-Griffin ever has two feet on the ground at the same time. Even when waiting for an elevator.
30. The security staff at games is worse in Corvallis than any other college I’ve ever experienced.
31. The football team’s secondary, as a whole, is the most improved group of players this school has ever seen.
32. When players complain about having it rough I wish I could give them Orel Hershiser’s number.
33. The golf teams go unrecognized. Literally, no one knows who they are. Name one.
34. Sending a columnist threaten letters only gives him ammunition, an M.O. and a reason to not quit. So keep them coming.
35. I’d better get out of here before I make everybody mad.
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