After four years of intense research, observation and analysis, I have come up with a hypothesis (Ron Gray would be so proud): There are times when it sucks to be a sports fan. Whether it’s the pre-game tailgater, the people behind you at game or the post-game discussion, sometimes it sucks.
During the last four years I have noticed the worst things about Beaver sports:
1. Student seating at baseball games. Can you blame student fans for not showing up? They get put everywhere but in the actual stadium. Students can get a better idea of what’s happening by listening to Mike Parker than actually attending, sitting down the left field line, and watching from the bullpen for five innings.
2. The phrase “Fill Gill” for so many reasons. Topping the list is poor Amory “Slats” Gill, who probably never wanted to be associated with a catch phrase that had him being filled with anything, be it pizza, beer, or 5,000 people.
3. The post-game dinner at Ruby Tuesday. Could the city of Corvallis give the okay to build some other restaurant so all fans – from both teams – don’t have to eat at the same place after every game? Shooting the breeze with a Cougar fan at the bar while I’m slamming my Tuesday Tenders is not what I consider a good time.
4. Explaining Beaver softball slappers to baseball fans. It’s hard enough for most baseball fans to understand why the bases are shorter, players don’t lead off and there’s a DP instead of a DH. But trying to explain slapping to them is like trying to explain Halo to somebody with a PS2.
5. Event Staff. Let’s be honest here: How is it that the belligerent drunk next to you never hears one word from these people, but if you have your foot in the aisle they’re on you like a pink popped collar on a frat guy?
6. Reser Stadium Phase 396.42: the flagpole. Are you kidding me? How much longer do I have to wait? If I graduate before it’s completed, I’m going to be pissed. I want to enjoy something I paid for with student fees, not watch it on TV from Philadelphia.
7. The men’s basketball team. Now that Sasa Cuic is gone, who’s going to fill the role of the underachiever who refuses to play defense with any intensity?
8. Fans who can’t recognize Mike Parker’s voice. But it’s okay, guys. You’re still Beaver fans. And I’m the best sports columnist in America, too.
9. Cheerleaders. They don’t do stunts, their pom-poms are fist-sized, and there are 40 of them. How about this idea: Cut the team size to 15, give them bigger pom-poms, and let them do stunts – you know, like a normal squad.
10. Going to other Pac-10 arenas and listening to the announcers do half as good a job as our announcer does. I think I left Mac Court with a headache after listening to whoever had the microphone stumble through the entire game like Yogi Berra through an advice column. “When you come to a fork in the road, take it.” Thanks, Mr. Berra.
11. Uneducated people at basketball games who point out a billion times that there are two Tarvers on the floor at the same time. Thanks. Next time I’ll be sure to remind you and your friend that there are two drunken idiots standing behind me.
12. Sitting down at football games. Isn’t it mandatory to stand on the bleachers at football games? I’m pretty sure every student has been doing that since freshman year of high school.
13. The OSU Softball Complex. Calling play-by-play is never any fun when the place isn’t named after someone famous or at least a big-name company. From now on, I’m going to refer to it as the Miranda Diamond at McGowan Park.
14. Pac-10 officials. Do I need to explain this one?
15. Those sports writers who make fun of Frosty the Turnover Man’s hair even after he is in the NFL. That’s so weak. Who would stoop to such a level?
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