Finding Success in the MLB: A quick, easy solution

Robert Lowrey // Special Contributor

Do you suffer from Post-All Star Game Depression? Do you get frequent lapses of memory about the last time your team made the playoffs? Do you experience brain cramps trying to recall every random player your team calls up after trading the big names?

If you suffer from one or all of these symptoms, you might be suffering from BDFS (Basement Dweller Fan Syndrome). This illness is common amongst fans of:

• Kansas City Royals
• Pittsburgh Pirates
• Baltimore Orioles
• Washington Nationals

Fortunately, the disease is not fatal (exception: Chicago Cubs fan-itis. 103 years is a long time to wait) and a cure is on the way for you and your team. But it can take 10 – 20 years for symptoms to alleviate. Recent teams recently cured of BDFS:

• Tampa Bay Rays
• Philadelphia Phillies
• Texas Rangers (in stable condition, pending further results)

Just remember there was a time when your team was the king of the division. Baseball works in cycles. Teams are consistently decent for about a decade until those players get old. Then the team with the most talent in its farm system brings up those players and suddenly a new team is good.

Look at the Pittsburgh Pirates. They won three straight division titles to begin the ‘90’s. Now, they are setting records…in a bad way. Although they have the major league record for the most consecutive losing seasons, it won’t last long and they will soon return to the spotlight as soon as their farm system develops consistent talent.

Another example is the Arizona Diamondbacks. Let’s face it, you know that Randy Johnson and Curt Schilling couldn’t spend the rest of their lives sporting purple pin-stripes. Congratulations again on winning a World Series in your first four years of life but at some point, the honeymoon has to end. And it doesn’t help when your best pitcher is out for an entire season as well. But relief will come soon. The NL West is a fickle division. It will rise you up, and then turn on you for a new lover. Your time may come soon.

But how do you cope with the hard times right now, you ask? It’s simple. Just follow three therapeutic techniques engineered by the businessmen who run baseball, and soon, you might just be seeing your team make the playoffs and maybe even the World Series.

Help Your Team Find Religion

Does anybody remember that horrible team that played in Tampa Bay who used to wear the purple and green jerseys? You know, the team whose name couldn’t strike fear into a first grade school girl?

If your guess was “Tampa Bay Devil Rays,” then you would be correct.

Back when Lucifer was a prominent figure in the Tampa Bay name, the Devil Rays only won an average of 64 games a season (for perfectionists, it’s actually 64.5 games, but that half a game still doesn’t put them in playoff contention so I’m going to let it slide).

But in 2007, Tampa Bay finally saw the light. After 10 years of Beelzebub failing to get them to the postseason, he was officially released of his contract, making him a one-sport sponsor (i.e. hockey in New Jersey).

Now, their called the Tampa Bay Rays. They even changed their colors from to a light blue and white. And since then, they now average 92 wins per season. That is a 28 game difference. Which, let’s face it, is much needed in a division where you decide to get in the middle of a fight between the Red Sox and the Yankees. Other Successful of Religious Therapy:

• 1998 San Diego Padres (Friar for a Mascot)
• 2002 Los Angeles Angels (Obviously)
• Pedro Cerrano (Don’t underestimate Jobu.)

Steal the Competition’s Strategies

You know the old saying? If you can’t beat ‘em, steal their management away from them and use the same tactics they’ve been using to beat you year after year.

Take the Cincinnati Reds for example.

It was a long time for Reds fans having to fight off the Chicago Cubs, the St. Louis Cardinals, and the Houston Astros for fifteen years. But now, they can celebrate a return to the postseason.

Why? Well, a management change sure helped. But where did they get the new management from?

The St. Louis Cardinals of course.

The Cardinals were a team that was pretty much dominant in the 2000’s and were always expected to make the playoffs. And they even threw in a World Series ring as well.

So what did the Reds do?

They hired Walt Jocketty, the former General Manager of the St. Louis Cardinals who took them to seven division titles and the World Series. With Jocketty in control of the Reds organization, things began to change. And now, the Reds can celebrate a postseason berth (after a long season of staving off the Cardinals).

And just to add in some more division rivalry, why not steal a couple of ex-Cardinals as well. In order to help a young Reds team make it to the playoffs, Jocketty brought in experience. Who better than to have some of the players from your World Series team come back to play for you?

Enter Scott Rolen and Jim Edmonds.

With the help of veteran leadership (and a near Triple Crown-esque performance by Joey Votto), the Reds are winning again.

So maybe your team is in need for a managerial tune-up (New York Mets). And if you already have addressed this problem (Baltimore Orioles), maybe you’ll see a postseason in your future as well.

The Eric Hinske Effect

Ok. This one is a little bit out there but just roll with it.

I’m sure you are asking yourself, “What does a former Toronto Blue Jay, Rookie of the Year winner have to do with my team?”

It’s simple. By some weird form of luck or voodoo magic, Eric Hinkse has turned into baseball’s lucky rabbit’s foot. Since 2007, Hinske has been with three different teams to the fall classic (and he’s hoping to make it a fourth this year).

Eric Hinske’s World Series Experience:

• 2007 – Boston Red Sox (0-1, K)
• 2008 – Tampa Bay Rays (1-2, HR, K)
• 2009 – New York Yankees (0-0, BB)

Here’s the amazing thing. The guy has two World Series rings. That is two times more
than the hits he has in the World Series.

What’s my theory?

You don’t even have to have Hinske play a game. You just have to have him on the roster. It seems to be working out for other teams. Why not yours?

Sadly, the Pittsburgh Pirates had him signed for 2009 but let him go to the New York Yankees. Sorry Pirates, but looks like you gave up MLB’s lucky charm.

In closing, things may be looking down for your team right now. But in time, your team will be able to get off of baseball’s life support and instead of making plans for the next year, it will focus on the one true goal, continuing to play baseball in the fall.