NFL Popularity Contest: Week 3

Before we move onto week three’s Popularity Contest, we’ll commence/resolve “QBs Who Can’t Score!”  If you recall, this is a competition to see which starting quarterback can go the longest without throwing a touchdown pass.

Last week the competition was intense.  This week, it looks like we have a winner! Kind of – if you consider Dennis Dixon’s season ending torn meniscus “winning.”  But as the competition goes, he’s the only starter that got through week two without tossing a TD. Even Kerry Collins who replaced Vince “Pine Polish” Young and Shaun “The Other QB’s Arm is Made Out of Noodles and Glass” Hill threw touchdowns. Good times!

You may notice a vast difference between my Popularity Contest and other power ranking columns. This isn’t accidental. Although I enjoy and often agree with ESPN, NFL.COM and other sports news sites, I find that their rankings are often exceedingly reactionary. For instance, after week two, look at some of the movement in ESPN’s Power Rankings poll:

Minnesota Vikings 18 – Down 12 spots from 6.

And conversely…

Miami Dolphins 7 – Up eight spots from 15.

We learned that much from the Vikes-Fins game? No. We didn’t. The Dolphins won, and the Vikings helped. The Dolphins’ goal line stand to seal the game was an impressive highlight, but that wasn’t where the game was won. Turnovers by the Vikings placed the game in Miami’s hands over and over throughout the course of the game.  Thus, I believe ESPN is over-reacting.

Another example from ESPN’s Power Rankings:

Dallas Cowboys 17 – Down nine spots from 8.  The ‘Boys lost a one score game to a Bears team that we know almost nothing about. Do I think the Cowboys looked good in their last two games? No. Do I think they belong in the bottom half of the league? No.

Conversely…

Chicago Bears 12 – Up 10 spots from 22.  Really?  That win over the Cowboys meant that we mis-read the Bears and they’re actually 31-percent better than we thought? I call bullsh*t.

I’d be hard pressed to drop a team 12 spots (as the Vikings were) barring an absolute freakish, anomaly of a bad game.  For instance, if the Vikings got shut out, Brett Favre curled up in the fetal position on the sideline, wept uncontrollably and then Adrian Peterson got shot. Then I’d consider dropping your team 12 spots. Maybe 15.

Without further ado…Jurassic Paque’s Slightly More Level Headed But Considerably Less PC NFL Popularity Contest Week 3.

1. New Orleans Saints – Can’t knock the champs.  But I will.  The Saints have yet to regain their Superbowl swagger and it’s possible they won’t.  They’re the guys at the top of the hill and everyone’s trying to knock ‘em down.  It’s one of the reasons repeating is so hard; teams have seen your tricks and can plan accordingly.  If they re-do that onside kick from the Superbowl a hundred times, how many times do you think the Saints recover it?  How about if they try it now?  Also, Reggie Bush returns his Heisman.  Then breaks his leg.  I guess that’s why the phrase isn’t “Fortune favors the guy trying to make a savvy business move and avoid humiliation.”

2. Green Bay Packers – Even without firing on all cylinders, the Packers offense cut the Bungalow Bills defense to shreds.  Even though the Bills got their rushing game going, the Packers D held them to 7 total points.  Don’t read too much into this win.  It was the Bills.  And as a side note, I am so glad I picked up Brandon Jackson on my fantasy team…what a steal….

3. Indianapolis Colts – Hmmm…Peyton: 2, Eli: 0.  And suffice it to say that someone at the bar I was watching the game at successfully convinced another patron that Eli Manning was handicapped.  Like…mentally…I mean, I’m not sayin…I’m just sayin…

4. Houston Texans – Ground game?  Check.  Air game?  Check.  People saying this is the year of the Texans?  Check.  Now prepare for the Texans to self-destruct and go on an 0-4 bender.

5. San Diego Chargers – The Chargers apparently re-learned how to play football this weekend.  Sans VJ.  Good.  Sell him on the nearest street corner for some sweet 1st round picks.  Man, if they ship him to the Vikings and it ends up being a bust, Brad Childress will be sitting there with a sh*t sandwich on two thick slices of high expectations.

6. New England Patriots – Ground control to Major Tom. Ground control to Major Tom. Who needs Laurence Maroney when you’ve got a whole bunch of other mediocre running backs to roll out an injure themselves?

7. Baltimore Ravens – Ummm…Maybe the whole “Joe Flacco breakout year” thing was a bit premature.  Let’s get back to basics and get that run game going.  Shall we?

8. New York Jets – Mark Sanchez goes from goat to having a “Coming out party!”  I don’t buy it.  Well, now that I think about it, maybe that’s why Braylon got arrested for drunk driving.  He was still buzzing from Sanchez’s COMING OUT PARTY!  OH HELL YEAH!

9. Miami Dolphins – These guys have clunked their way to 2-0.  I’m still waiting to see some consistent offense.  Or defense.  Or consistency.  They’ll get a real test in these next two weeks and I think we’ll see what the Fins are really made of.  And I don’t mean like, tuna.  That’s not a fish joke.  Ugh…I quit.

10. Minnesota Vikings – Brett Favre is making a minimum of 12 million dollars this year.  That makes me laugh.  When I see him on the sidelines and in post-game press conferences, words that come to mind are; doddering, befuddled, hubristic.

11. Atlanta Falcons – I could really go for an ice cold can of Matty Ice!  Let’s get it started in here! Let’s get it started in here

12. Dallas Cowboys – I’ve already wasted too many words on these guys.  I’ll just say, “Told you so.”  Ok, I’ll say a few more.  Isn’t the Cowboys’ media machine incredible?  Somehow, after this 0-2 start, people are saying things like, “Yeah…but Dez Bryant!  What a pick!  That guy’s legit!”  That my friend, is the thunder cloud’s silver lining.

13. Chicago Bears – The Bears are fast becoming a bandwagon team to do well this year.  Analysts are touting that Jay Cutler has “turned the corner.”  Too much, too fast.  I know in the NFL ‘almost’ doesn’t count, but this is a team that has almost lost two weeks in a row now.  And the first game was against a Lions team featuring a back-up QB.  The Bears have the 1st overall run defense, but the 27th overall pass defense.  What?  So…as soon as we get to the secondary their player quality drops off 84%?  This coming Monday night game against the Packers is gonna be interesting.

14. New York Football Giants – Inconsistent.  I originally wrote; Mercurial.  But that was actually too interesting a word for this Giants team.  The best way to put it is that they’re dis-interestingly inconsistent.  If this team doesn’t settle down and find a rhythm, get ready for an up and down, hard to peg, ultimately disappointing 8-8 season.  Oh yeah; one of their players had a tantrum and threw his helmet into the opposing team’s stands.  At least they’ve got that guy. Oh yeah #2; Eli Manning passed for 1 yard in the first quarter against the Colts.  At least they’ve got that guy.

15. Tennessee Titans – Did Jeff Fisher really bench Vince “Misunderstood/Hurting Inside and Out” Young?  And does Jeff Fisher really think Vince “Coach Better Call the Cops Because I’m  Emotionally Unstable and Might Cry Myself Off the Road” Young is gonna just bounce right back up the plate after hearing all the cheers Kerry Collins got?  Kerry Collins has the best job on the planet.  He waits for Vince “Yeah I Want the Heisman” Young to f*ck up, steps on the field and lets the cheering commence.

16. Pittsburgh Steelers – This team has been unimpressive and has won in deranged ways.  But they’re winning with sh*tty QBs and their defense looks solid.  When Big (Alleged Rapist) Ben gets back, watch out (especially women in clubs and bars).  Hide your kids. Hide your wives.

17. Washington Redskins – Lost to Houston in OT.  Barely beat the ‘Boys week 1.  I’ve got no bead on this team.

18. Cincinnati Bengals – They continue to dominate their division.  Can’t count them out.  Even though I’d like to.  If Benson regains some of his steam from last year and Carson Palmer progresses from a “decent QB” to “a pretty ok QB” they might have something.

19. Philadelphia Eagles – I don’t think I’ll write about this team as long as Michael Vick is starting.  Last week was an exception as Kolb was considered unfit to return from his concussion.  Now that the Eagles have elected to start Vick, I’ll be hitting them with the mute button.  In fact…maybe I’ll just remove them from the rankings all together…

20. Denver Broncos – Kyle Orton is the man.  Does he have a cool nickname?  Do enough people even like him for him to have a nickname?  I’m giving him one now.  From here on, Kyle Orton shall be know as, The Otro.  See, it’s a play on The Ocho from Dodgeball and it’s Spanish for The Other, which refers to his status as a QB people are always trying to replace (Rex Grossman in Chicago and Tebow in Denver).

21. San Francisco 49ers – Alex Smith leads an amazing 4th quarter drive to tie the game up!  And leaves plenty of time on the clock for the defending Superbowl champs to get in position for the game winning field goal.  49ers, meet my friend 0-2.

22. Arizona Cardinals – Reports are confirmed that management has contacted Steve Nash about the possibility of playing QB for the Cardinals.

23. Jacksonville Jaguars – This week’s game against the Eagles will be a violent test for a team that ranks 29th in pass defense and 20th in rush defense…can’t wait to see it!  Oh…that’s right…it’ll probably be blacked out.  And f*ck the Eagles anyway.

24. Kansas City Chiefs – 2-0 baby!  Need I say more!?  Pencil them for the playoffs!  But pencil them in very lightly.  And on a piece of paper that you can just throw away so no one can ever prove you actually penciled them in.  That’s how I roll.

25. Oakland Raiders – Remember when I said I wanted to see Gradkowski start?  Well, well, well.  Look what we have here.  Thank you, thank you very much.  I accept cash donations.

26. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Ugh.  I’ve got nothing to say about this team.  I’m not picking up Josh Freeman for my Fantasy team.  We still won’t get a barometer on this team this week because they’re playing the wonky-ass Steelers who are 2-0 with their bizarro QB carousel.

27. Detroit Lions – Jahvid Best eh?  This team will win more than one game this year.  You heard it here first.

28. Seattle Seahawks – That’s more like it.  I’m really looking forward to their game against the Chargers.  What are the Vegas odds on Hasselbeck getting injured this season?  And where can I put money on that?

29. St. Louis Rams – Hey, at least people are talking about them.  I mean…I’m not.  But some people are.

30. Carolina Panthers – Ooooooooooh oooh am I excited about the beginning of the Jimmy Clausen era.  6-10 might be a stretch for this team.

31. Cleveland Browns – I don’t think I have to explain what an 0-2 start against the Tampa Bay Bucs and the Kansas City Chiefs says about your team.  (Oddly enough though, both TB and KC are 2-0…NFL Apocalypse?).

32. Buffalo Bills – Yes. YES! Ryan Fitzpatrick is the answer.

Photo courtesy NFL.com