2010 NFL Popularity Contest: Week 2

2010 NFL Popularity Contest: Week 2

Big moves this week: The Pete Carrols (whom I threw under the bus last week) came back to spit in my face. Thanks for that. The Texans improved to 2-15 against the Colts. The Maurice Jones Drews won their home opener against the Two–Yard–Tebows and I was right about a whole bunch of stuff. Let’s re-cap the things I got right and completely ignore the things I got horrendously wrong. Deal?

Stuff Jurassic Got Right:

A. The Cowboys offense was dismal. Like, seriously. It was embarrassing. For a team some analysts think might have home field advantage in the Super Bowl, this was not a promising start.

B. Mark Sanchez handed the ball off superbly. Check out these stats for the starting quarterback on a team considered by some to be contenders to win it all:

Provided by ESPN.

C. Alex Smith is useless.

D. My Cutler Defense worked perfectly. Even the Lions could execute it. And speaking of the Lions…

E. The Lions made things very interesting. And then they won the game! And then they didn’t. And then they lost Matt Stafford indefinitely. At least they’ve got…I don’t know. I’ve got nothing. I’m not sure what they’ve got to look forward to.

Enough drivel. Here’s 2010’s NFL Popularity Contest Week 2.

1. New Orleans Saints – The weight of that bulky Heisman Trophy is off of Reggie Bush’s shoulders. This should allow the Saints offense to open it up and find their stride against a 49ers team that allowed the Seattle Seahawks to score 31 points. Why are we talking about the Seahawks again? Yuck.

2. Green Bay Packers – Offense wasn’t as crisp as it was in the preseason, the defense got put on its heels late in the game and they lost their starting RB, Ryan Grant for the season. But, Clay Matthews knocked Eagles QB Kevin Kolb right out of the game and the Pack notched a tough road win to start the season. PS – If you ever find footage of the injury Leonard Weaver sustained in this game, don’t watch it. Suffice it to say, his knee blowed up.

3. Indianapolis Colts – Manning threw for 433 yards and 3 TDS…and they lost. I don’t see that happening again. The defensive line will shape up and something tells me the next time they face Arian Foster, they won’t be caught off guard.

Total side note, just because I like throwing people under the bus, remember Marvin Harrisson? Here’s a cool little article on him. Athletes are such awesome role-models. What can we do to prevent him from getting into the Hall of Fame?

4. Baltimore Ravens – A clunkfest of a win, but a win nonetheless over a team with a superb defense. The Ravens D was solid sans Ed Reed and when that offense gets clicking, watch out. PS – What do you think Joe Flacco does for a hobby? Where would you place the odds on him playing Dungeons and Dragons? Just throwing it out there.

5. New England Patriots – Do NFL players own televisions? If so, what does Randy Moss think when he sees replay of his post-game rant? I often wonder what athletes think when they see themselves in these interviews. I mean, Randy looks inarticulate, he talks in circles and instigates a completely egocentric conversation about his own worth. About how he understands that it’s a business and “[He’s] a man and this is a job.” I get uncomfortable watching players do this and they rarely have any understanding of how this affects people’s perception of them. Randy Moss, you are a 33 year old man that gets paid millions upon millions of dollars to run down a field and catch a football for less than an hour, once a week. Randy Moss, your complaints about feeling unwanted have not gone unheard. Randy Moss, you sound like a big baby.

6. Minnesota Vikings – For a team that was one play away from the Super Bowl last season, the Vikings looked very sloppy in their opener. Although I trust they’ll sharpen up, the absence of Sidney Rice was evident. In other news, did anyone notice Brad Childress wearing two headseats against the Saints? How much advise is this guy getting? And…this is just creepy.

7. Houston Texans – Congrats Texans! For the 100th time in a row, you’ve convinced people at the beginning of the season that you’re relevant. Now let’s see some continued success. Also, Arian Foster will never, repeat, never have a game like that again.

8. San Diego Chargers – Although they always stumble early in the season, the Chargers were terribly inconsistent against the Chiefs. They allowed 21pts in the first half, none in the second. Ryan Matthews looked meh. The passing game is still settling into its groove, but the breakout performance by Legedu Naanee helped quash fears that SD lived and died by VJ’s contribution.

Now, I know I’m subjective about this, but I liked seeing Philip Rivers get pissed off during the Chiefs game. I’d be pissed too if my highly-touted, playoff caliber team opened the season losing to a unit that went 4-12 last year.

9. New York Football Giants – Will Hakeem Nicks be the first receiver with 48 TDs in one season?

10. New York Jets – I’ve never seen a player lose his confidence as quickly as Shonn Greene did in that home opener. A couple fumbles, a drop and a benching. Good thing the Jets shipped Thomas Jones off! On the plus side, if Sanchez’s TD/INT ratio stays consistent (0/0), he’ll finish the year with a vastly improved turnover +/- from last year (12/20).

11. Dallas Cowboys – The offense was stagnant and the coaching left much to be desired. Wade Philips looks like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man except more confused. Actually, he looks freakishly like Newt Gingrich. Philips vs. Gingrich. Is this old news?

12. Tennessee Titans – Vince Young has a 142.8 QB rating? What!?

13. Miami Dolphins – The Fins crushed the Bills 15-10. I’m sold?

14. Atlanta Falcons – The Falcons and Steelers couldn’t figure out who wanted to lose the game more. Apparently the Falcons did. Matt Ryan and Co. are really under the microscope after a supremely disappointing first showing. Imagine this next section said by Chris Berman: “Matty Ice is gonna have a chance to test his metal though. Will he prove to be the diamond in the rough we saw in his first season? Or while he melt under pressure? We’ll find out this week when the defending NFC West champs, the Arizona Cardinals come to visit! Will we be calling him Matty Ice next week? Or Matty Zirconia? Tune in to find out.”

15. Washington Redskins – Their win over the Dallas Cowboys said absolutely nothing to me. Maybe the Redskins’ defense is good? Maybe the Cowboys’ defense is good? I’ve got no idea.

These shabby starts from QBs inspired me to create a new competition called ‘Pointless QBs’ or ‘QBs Who Can’t Score.’ It’s a last man standing competition where we wait and see who the last QB to get a passing TD is. Right now our competitors are: Matt Ryan, Dennis Dixon, Chad Henne (my boy), Donovan McNabb, Joe Flacco, Alex Smith, Mark Sanchez, Kevin Kolb and Matt Stafford. My money’s on Dennis Dixon. I’ll keep the list updated in each week’s Popularity Contest.

16. Cincinnati Bengals – Never has a team with this many eccentric characters been this dis-interesting. T.O. and Chad Johnson call each other Batman and Robin. That’s great. Did you ever read a Batman and Robin comic where they just talked a bunch of trash while walking up and down the streets of Gotham? Me neither. It’s like the Twilight movies. I can’t for the life of me figure out why I’m supposed to care.

17. Philadelphia Eagles – Welcome to the NFL Kevin Kolb. You might lose your job after 10 passes and a face full of dirt. Oh yeah. And you’re losing it to an ex-convict.

18. Pittsburgh Steelers – I’m trying to think of something mean to say…but it’s just not coming, so…I’ll just post this picture of Pittsburgh’s face of the franchise: Big Ben.

19. Chicago Bears – What a barn burner! The Bears got a huge win over division rival, the Detroit Lions. If this is what games between these two teams are gonna be like, boy are we in for a treat when they meet again December 5th!

20. Seattle Seahawks – F*cking ridiculous. They outscored the 49ers by 25 points, but had 20 fewer yards of total offense. I hope they get crushed by the Broncos. (Even I don’t know why I hate this team.)

21. Arizona Cardinals – I’ve been informed that at practice this week, Derek Anderson is going to spend a lot of time focusing on throwing the football to receivers in stride. Larry Fitzgerald has agreed to return to practice once Derek proves he can do this.

22. San Francisco 49ers – Wow. Swing and a miss. Those are your NFC West darlings! Good thing you gave VD, (oh my) excuse me, Vernon Davis that huge contract. I hope you gave it to him because you love his blocking. Because you sure as sh*t don’t have anybody to throw him the ball. Did I mention that Alex Smith is useless?

23. Jacksonville Jaguars – I still really don’t have anything to say. I feel like if you get blacked out consistently in your own market, I shouldn’t have to write about you. Can we call them the Blacksonville Blaguars? Is that some kind of epithet? It looks like it means something really horrible. (To the best of my knowledge, their home opener was not blacked out. Last year nine of the Jaguars ten home games were blacked out.)

24. Denver Broncos – Maybe have Tebow give the team a speech before the next game. I bet they’d love that. He could tell them that one day, if they were lucky, they might have a statue made of them. Then again, that might inspire someone to tell him to ‘shut up and stop throwing side-arm.’

25. Kansas City Chiefs – Some exciting play from a team people didn’t expect much from. A scoreless second half takes some of the legitimacy out of the win. So does the fact that Matt Cassel threw for 68 yards and zero TDs. But they’ve got this dude that waves a huge flag in the endzone when they score. And that dude waved the f*ck outta that flag.

26. Detroit Lions – Is Matt Stafford Chad Pennington? God I hope not for Detroit’s sake. Regardless, what once was hope has turned into dismay. Not to be a doom-crooner, but the guy taking over for Stafford while he’s out is a guy Alex Smith beat out in a QB competition in San Fran. Shaun Hill. Shaun Hill is therefore theoretically, worse than Alex Smith. I know it seems impossible. It’s not. The end.

27. Carolina Panthers – Did you see Jimmy Clausen’s NFL regular season debut? That was noteworthy. I think I would have looked more comfortable in the pocket backed into my own endzone than he did. His brief performance led me to say to the friend I was watching it with, “That’s not how an NFL quarterback is supposed to look.” Clausen was scampering around, he couldn’t seem to see downfield, couldn’t set his feet or make a decision. I know it was just a few snaps, but he looked scared out of his mind. Maybe he was thinking about this.

28. St. Louis Rams – Close but no cigar. Bradford looked much better than Clausen. He looked poised, in control and was relatively effective. If this injury to Steven Jackson is serious though…St. Loius will be in a world of trouble. HAHAHA! A world of trouble! How much worse can they get? They went 1-15 last year!

29. Cleveland Browns – Nick Lilja, the Editor in Chief of this fine website, and I just chatted about our boy Seneca Wallace. And now it looks like he might get a chance to start! If this comes to fruition, I’d like a personal thank you card Mr. Wallace. I mean, we’ve got so much in common; we’re both 5’11”, we both…like football, we both…that’s all I’ve got. Put my thank you in the mail. Or hook me up with some Cavs tickets next time I come to town. I’d be sweet to see Lebron play…oh wait…nevermind.

30. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – I don’t care that they won. Cadillac Williams is one of their star players. That guy has had one of the strangest career arcs ever. Check out his career stats. I wouldn’t trust that guy to run and get groceries let alone be my featured back.

31. Oakland Raiders – The ineptitude continues! I’ve heard a couple people say, “Didn’t Campbell remind you of Jamarcus Russel in that game?” That’s not good. I wonder if it’s the uniforms that make people suck. Or the area? The climate? Al Davis? Anyway, I’m gonna have a quick glass of Purple Drank before I finish off this column.

32. Buffalo Bills – WaesgWQPgggggggaksjsdlsafdahhhhhuw. this ke3yboard is the loujdest peice of soap i’ve ever scraped off my milk money. buffalo bulls. bills. buffalo dollar bills. wheres the money sign on thisn thing. %%$y$J$ there it is. buffalo $ bills. heehee. sounds like a candy bar. man i want a candy bar. lets go to the bodega and get a candy bar. bodega. BoDEGA. BOdega. Bowdegahhhh. Booowwoaskadjauuuuaahhhaaaazzzzzzzz……………………