It’s amazing what a month-long break from writing can do to a person. I find myself re-reading class assignments in disgust, scratching my head at AP Style and neglecting the Oxford comma.
It’s a lot like running. Once you stop. You’re slow. And to quote my favorite shirt: “Slow Sucks.”
My brain is at the tee box behind a four-some of old women. It’s canoing across a pond with a soup spoon. Running up an icy hill. Barefoot.
Thankfully, the Home Run Derby was on – yeah, that will get the creative juices brewing. The Home Run Derby is about as thought-provoking as a sturgeon. Sure, watching players like Corey Hart and Hanley Ramirez (Yes, that Hanley Ramirez) was marginally exciting. And watching a handful of first timers enjoy the spectacle that is glorified batting practice is always entertaining. But, it’s not like anyone really cares.
And the winner is easily determinable before the batters ever dig into the box. Here’s some quick math: Player forearm size (in inches) x Number of forearms = Some number. The player with the highest number is the winner.
This year Big Papi, David Ortiz, won. Big surprise. Other big surprises include: the winner of lions vs. antelopes, Gravity, and Phil Jackson winning in the playoffs.
To this day, somehow, Ortiz hasn’t been seriously questioned about steroid use. Beyond me.
I’ve got a better idea for next year, MLB. How about you find the most ‘roided up players, give them metal bats, and have Detroit’s Jay Sborz on the mound tossing over-sized racquetballs. That game may never end. Then again it would give all of the parking lot patrons at Chase Field something to chase around – get it? Chase. Chase around.
Now that my stand-up comedy career is over I can get back to my favorite past time: Clowning soccer.
If the World Cup is the “World’s Game” then the “World” is full of a bunch of pansies who surrender to any sort of pain faster than some French… actually that one can stop right there.
Actually I’ve got a great idea for soccer, too: No ties and the addition of a shot clock.
Imagine the possibilities, people. A game where playing to “draw” was no longer an option and each team only had :50-seconds on each side of the field to get a shot on goal.
… Then again, maybe there was a reason I took a one-month vacation. Better make it two, this time.
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