Sike!

School is back in session, and it’s time to test your acuity. What do Roger Clemens and I have in common?

Answer: We were both approached to have a Cingular commercial. Mine never made it to air. During recording I was supposed to sit in my office, on a call, asking Brandon Hughes if I was too hard on Matt Moore. He was supposed to scream ‘Yes’ repeatedly, to no avail because the call was dropped. Instead, during recording Kyle DeVan grabbed the phone, reached through it, and punched me in the face. I think that means we are cool now.

I think I’m ready to come back and write again. That’s right, I rescind my bid for retirement. I can’t give this up yet; it’s too much fun and I need some way to pay for my Dr. Pepper habit. On top of that, I was blown away by the support I received from everyone from Mike Parker and Seth Tarver, to Oregon State’s biggest fan Brandon Williams and my server Kelly at Ruby Tuesday. It was that support that persuaded me to return.

So I’m back, and as always I do have a few things on my mind.

For starters, Lyle Moevao has the best last name in the history of life. Here’s a name that is pronounced differently by every person at this university. Poor Lyle. I haven’t seen a population trip over a name this bad since Tarnatea Hill, New Zealand, was changed to Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitanatahu. Say that three times fast. Hell, just try and sound it out. I can barely look at it without going cross-eyed.

Props to you, Moevao. I even think you should be starting quarterback. Not because Sean Canfield threw five interceptions last week or because the last time Oregon State started a quarterback that was 5-11 and over 200 pounds it turned out pretty well, no. I just want to hear the Eric Bartz of KBVR Sports trip over your name all season when calling play-by-play for football games.

Mo-ah-voh, Mo-vow, Mo-ah-vo-ah. Damn. It couldn’t just be Smith? Even your explanation on how to pronounce his last name is difficult. It’s “moy” like “toy,” but you take off the “t” and add an “m.” Then it’s “vow” like “vowel” only without the “el” ending.

I’m glad I was taking notes. I need a nap.

My last name is Lilja. “Lil” as in the untalented and ghostwritten Lil’ Wayne, and “yah” like the beginning of “yuck” but without the “ck” ending. Some would say that sentence is ironic.

Speaking of yuck, am I the only person who has been to osubeavers.com recently? Contrary to Sammie Stroughter’s cameo, nothing is “Coming at you, Beaver Nation … Online.”

It’s easier to navigate the Bermuda Triangle, in a canoe, during a hurricane than it is to travel around that hole in cyberspace. I’d bet Randy Johnson has a better chance of sideswiping another dove with his fastball than web-browsing patrons have of navigating this website conveniently. I’d go as far as to say I have a better shot at getting a date with Brittany Cahoon than a fan does at actually finding her name on the site.

The content is still great – it’s the delivery that is a little weird. It’s like our site was hijacked by Tim Lincecum’s pitching arm. You’d think with all the donations the BASF gets, they could route some of that money into paying for a web designer that wasn’t ADHD or at least one that took their Ritalin that day.

That’s the only thought I came to that explains why there are the pictures that change every few seconds, the TailMail link in the middle of recent Beaver news and there are seemingly two links for everything on the home page. There are literally six different links, three drop down menus and one giant picture that encourage browsers to either buy some Beaver merchandise or donate money.

In hindsight, I’m not giving myself enough credit. I have more in common with Roger Clemens than I originally stated. I, too, came out of retirement, much to the dismay of many.