If there is one thing I know how to do, it’s piss off a large group of people. Being a runner does that to a person. The hours of running alone give you too much time to think about ways to mess with people’s heads. But I know a lot of people out there who don’t have hours of alone time to take off on a run, yet they still have the desire to upset the masses.
I’m here to help. Want to piss off a large group of people? Screw religion and politics. Who cares about foreign policy anyway? Hell, even the discussion about sex and abstinence doesn’t come close. Besides, sex is cool. If you really want to upset people, just go and ask them, “What defines a sport?” Before they can answer, give them your own definition and cite examples of games that are sports and not sports.
You: “Hey guys, what do you think sport is?”
Someone else: “Well …”
You: “I think sport is anything that involves a ball, like basketball, baseball, lacrosse.”
Trust me, all it takes is one sentence or even just a few words – it will spell disaster. Then sit back and watch faces turn red, eyes widen and voices raise. For an added effect, remain silent for the rest of the conversation. It will most likely open up Pandora’s Box.
Last week I wrote as a passing thought that gymnastics wasn’t a sport. Immediately, people jumped to conclusions and got upset. They thought I was sexist. They thought that because gymnastics is predominately performed by women in college, saying it is not a sport must be linked to sexist ideals.
It’s true, I’m a misogynist woman-basher, which is why I love LaVonda Wagner, call play-by-play for volleyball, women’s basketball and softball, and, oh yeah, I drove 13 hours each way to Salt Lake City to cover the NCAA Gymnastics Championships.
Let me just say for the record, I still think gymnastics is a sport. Although, I think any event where competitors don’t go head-to-head and that’s scored solely by a judge isn’t a sport. Gymnastics holds onto the sport category for a laundry list of reasons topped by the physical demands put on the athletes year round.
So what is sport?
Well, for one thing, it’s not cheerleading, diving, figure skating, aerial skiing, half-pipe anything, most of the X-games or the long list of other athletic spectacles that require a judge.
I rule out judges for the reason of logic. Logically, a judge can’t be 100 percent unbiased, and sport is unbiased. That’s why when players in a pick-up basketball game are trying to decide whose ball it is by shooting a three-pointer, they say “the ball doesn’t lie,” because it can’t. It’s a ball.
Judges tarnish the “fair” aspect with personal bias. Look at the national gymnastics competition just a few weeks ago. Tasha Smith is better than most of the gymnasts who made it to finals on the floor routine, but her chance to show the world was taken away because of a judge. I’ve never seen an Olympics in which someone wasn’t complaining about a judge with bias who prevented victory.
So what is sport?
Sport is an athletic competition that involves reacting to the opposition on a balanced playing field where a player/team is crowned champion. Sport is about finding and exposing weaknesses in an attempt to gain an edge. Sport is about championship as determined by the players, not a judge or scorer. Oh, and you need officials/referees to enforce the rules, too.
The proof is in the pudding people.
When was the last time you saw “players” in figure skating try to outdo each other on the fly? I just can’t see Brian Boitano saying, “Oh, the French just did a double lutz. Screw them – I’m going to do a triple lutz!” It would never happen. The routines are pre-scripted. They have performed the same routine over and over and over again. Even the announcers know what is coming.
That’s not competing. That’s just practicing with judges. If I wanted to watch a pre-scripted routine played out between two people, I’d watch reality television. Sport is football, basketball, track and field, cross-country and cycle-cross, even cricket because they all involve the players determining the champion, a reaction to the opposition and exposing the opposition’s weaknesses.
No, but really. What is sport? I’m listening. I swear.
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