Alright, it’s the start to a new year and we all need a refresher course on how to be true Beaver fans while attending Oregon State. It’s not about supporting everyone, it’s about supporting everyone that matters. It isn’t about who is winning and losing, it’s about socializing. This is a quick reminder on how to be successful as a Beaver fan this year.
Rule 1: Rule number one is the most important. Agree. Regardless of the topic you must agree with everyone else. I know you might have your own opinion–forget it. It doesn’t mean anything anymore. If you plan on having opinions expect hostility, ridicule, and accusations of being a duck fan to ensue. Because the only logical reason for anyone to sway from the general population’s opinion is they must be a duck fan. For example, if you think Angelo Tsagarakis would be effective starting at the 2-gaurd and everyone else wants to see Jack McGillis, don’t even bring it up. If you think Jay John should run the man defense and everyone else says zone, save it. You don’t have the luxury of having an individual opinion.
Rule 2: You must get drunk before football, basketball and baseball games regardless of age. If you aren’t hydrated on adult beverages, you will not be considered a true fan. I know what you’re thinking, if I’m 18, won’t I get in trouble? Not by the event staff. They are too busy hassling patrons about their seats to care about the level of intoxication of most students. And if you want to go and watch the game sober to enjoy the tickets your student fees paid for, forget about it. You would be wrong in every sense of the word. You must be drunk to thoroughly appreciate college athletics. If you ever are questioning how you should act, look for the closest section of pop-collared guys wearing huge aviator sunglasses or the group of girls with equally huge sunglasses, short skirts and bleach blonde hair. Emulate them.
Rule 3: You can only be seen attending the big three sports–football, men’s basketball and sometimes baseball games. And when attending football and basketball games you must leave promptly at halftime, regardless of score, to go to a house party. Nothing says “true fan” like leaving at halftime to go binge-drinking. As for baseball, I know they won the national championship, but forget about showing up before the third and staying after the seventh. If you question the legitimacy of that find a Dodger fan for more information. If you want to maintain any form of popularity or street-cred, you should never attend any sporting event besides those. Stay away from the deadly sports list. Cross country, women’s basketball, gymnastics, soccer, softball, swimming, track, volleyball, and wrestling. Even if these sports have national championship hopes (wrestling), amazing coaches (volleyball), and outstanding athletes (gymnastics)–stay away.
Rule 4: You must treat all athletes from the big three sports like royalty. No joke, they expect no less. Always appreciate when they appear in public. Greet them with a smile, a hello and congratulations on their last game. But in no way appreciate any athlete in the deadly sports mentioned above. If Mercedes Fox-Griffin shows up at WoodStocks behind you in line, avoid eye-contact. She is on the women’s basketball team. And although she dropped 15 assists on Arizona and tied a school record, do not congratulate her for continually dominating opponents and avert your eyes.
Rule 5: Don’t forget this one either. You have to hate University of Oregon. Hell, all of Eugene too. If you ever wear green and or yellow on campus, you will be forced to return your text books and asked to leave the university to never return. Everything from Eugene is considered evil. From ‘whizzanator’ athletes to pot-smoking to hippies and bums, you must hate it all.
Follow these five easy rules and you will be on your way to being just like everyone else at school. You can claim yourself as a true Beaver Believer. Or, you could buck the system, branch out and be bold. Never get hydrated on adult beverages before games, go to every sport, congratulate every athlete that deserves it, have a real opinion and hate the Ducks for a real reason. They harbor terrorists.
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